Intolerant, Not Allergic

"I'm not actually allergic, I'm intolerant."

I can't even begin to tell you the number of times I've corrected people with this statement. And I can tell you the three types of responses I always get. 

"Oh, I know how that is, my friend has Celiac's Disease."
"So, you can eat dairy you just don't like it?"
"Oh, well that sucks."

Let me tell you, dear reader, that none of these are appropriate response, but thanks for trying anyway. Being intolerant (or sensitive) to foods is not the same thing as being allergic to foods or having Celiac's Disease. Being intolerant means that your body can't digest part of the enzymes in the food, ie lactose in dairy or gluten in wheat. In allergies, there is an autoimmune response, meaning the body basically attacks its self when you eat these foods. This is the very simplified version, but you get my point.

So, when you say you know how that is because someone you know is allergic, you don't. And just assuming that they say that because they don't like the food is also wrong. And yes, it does suck. I would know because I have to deal with it, I'd rather not have you remind me that it sucks.

So, what do you say? Try something like:

"What is it exactly that you can't have? I'll try to remember that."
"What are you favorite things you can eat?"
"Tell me more about it; I want to avoid those foods when I'm around you."

Why are these so great to say? They don't make you feel isolated. It already feels bad enough not being able to eat things and they make you feel like your tastes are still important. They make you feel like a person, and not just a symptom. MORE MORE MORE

Living with food intolerances is hard. There aren't very many outward signs that you had something bad to eat. Unlike getting hives, you'll just often have bad pain, nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea. Sometimes people just assume that because you don't have to have an Epi Pen on you, that means it doesn't matter if you eat it or not. And sometimes it doesn't feel like you really have an issue with food, because you are the only one who really knows your pain. But, it is real, and you are 100% okay in feeling it.

It's discouraging to go to the store and see delicious things that you can technically have but will just make you sick. Is it worth it? And sometimes you feel as though the pain is worth it just so you don't feel so out of place. 

Going to restaurants is great, just not as great when you have food intolerances. Sometimes it's a guessing game if you can eat anything there or not. And when people want to get stuff and share it, it's hard not to feel bad about making them eat your different stuff. And it's hard when you just want to be like everyone else and eat the same things.

But, DO NOT EVER FEEL BAD ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO EAT THINGS! You shouldn't have to feel sorry about your body; it is not your fault that you have this to deal with. Your food intolerance is just a little part of you, and those people who truly love you won't be bothered by it. And those people who refuse to listen about it, you don't need in your life. 

And when you go to a party that has food already planned, bring a surprise dessert that you can eat. Not only will it make you feel included, but you'll be able to show everyone that not everything that you eat tastes bad!

I know it might seem silly, and you might not feel like you have a right to feel so down sometimes about your relationship with food, but it is okay. We all have those moments. And if you need to cry for a moment in the store because you are just so dang hungry and can't find anything that won't make you sick, CRY! You don't have to hold in your feelings. You aren't the only one; YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE!

New Year, New Post?

New year, new post? I mean, I guess I should post SOMETHING about this past year so you all don't think I've forgotten how to type. Or maybe you're all yelling at my inside your heads begging me to stop because my lack of writing has been so pleasant. Well, SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP because I've decided it's time you all heard from me again. 

Last year was definitely a year to remember. It was probably one of the ones I've enjoyed the most (if not THE one I enjoyed the most). I made friends for life, hung out with the most adorable 5 year olds every week, laughed, ate some chocolate, cried, worked with old people I grew to love, spent time with family, laughed some more, fell in love, learned an immense amount, spent time with Tyler (in case you didn't put it together, this is who I fell in love with), forgot a bunch, saw some beautiful sights, fell asleep during just about every movie I sat down to watch, ate chocolate, washed laundry, ran a freaking half marathon, bought a few books (okay, a whole lot of books), ate some more chocolate because I'm addicted, kissed, hiked, hugged, brushed my teeth a whole lot, laughed even more, finished a whole lot of homework, just lived, and more!

Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of trials last year. I've seen more people pass away that I've grown to love than I ever imagined I would in my life. I struggled with finding my place in my new job. I battled with my mind my times about my view of myself and I still haven't won that fight. I've gone though many changes, and even though several of them were good and ones I chose, I still struggle with change. I fought with finding foods to eat that didn't make me sick (still working on that one too). I've had to try very, very hard to love people who I didn't really want to love (by this I mean some people who I helped at work because they were just downright rude to me). I had to learn how to be more patient, because older people do everything slow and I am not the most patient person in the world. Obviously those aren't the only trials I've had, there are others I don't wish to share. 

But no matter the trial or triumph, God is ALWAYS with us. Even when we don't think so, even when we can or can't see it, even when we hate Him, even when we are in the middle of the hardest thing of our life, HE IS THERE. The greatest lesson I've learned this past year was this: God loves me and will NEVER leave me. And I am beyond grateful that He is patient enough to love me through everything. And I am beyond grateful for all of you who continue to love me though everything too. 

I'm sorry if you read through that entire thing; I'm sure you have things you'd rather do, but I sure am grateful to you for reading it! I sincerely hope each person in the world has at least a few moments that make this new year a good one. And I hope that you all know that God loves you, and He will be with you through everything you go through this year. Don't forget about me this year, even if we don't talk. If you are reading my blog then I guarantee that I don't not like you! Also, if you think I dislike you then give me chocolate and we will become the best of buddies!

On Cancer, On Life, On Death, On Love

C A N C E R. A six letter word that causes so much destruction. 3/14 of the alphabet arranged in a way that affects millions. A word that shatters worlds. A word that creates a path of destruction for many. A word that binds families together and creates new and everlasting friendships. A word that cares of neither age or economics. A word that will bring you to your knees. A word that makes you stronger. A word I am no stranger to.

Cancer doesn't care how nice you are. It doesn't care if you are the star of the football team. It doesn't care if you are about to graduate college or just had a baby. Cancer is mean. It wants to twist your life in any way possible. It's word that leaves a nasty taste in your mouth; a word that in some way will affect all of us. It might be a raging disease inside your grandma. It might be a scar inside your father. It might be waging a losing battle inside you. Cancer affects us all.

But through the chemo, the drugs, and treatments. Through the tears, pain, and vomit. The scans, the pokes, and the prods. The caskets, the hair loss, the hospitals. Know that we stand beside you. Whether you win this battle or not, whether your loved ones win or lose. We stand beside you. 

I am no stranger to this ugly being. I've lost family and friends alike. I know warriors with scars from battles they won. I know lives that have been forever changed from those overpowering cells. I know of friendships made, and lovers found. I know of the bad parts. I'm familiar with the good.

Through all these aches and pains, there is always a fight. Some bodies may struggle and eventually lose. Some bodies fight hard and eventually win. Some bodies fight hard and win for a while. Some bodies fight years without showing signs. These warrior bodies are tough. Their hosts tougher. I admire them greatly for their battles they've waged. 

I loathe cancer with every fiber of my being. I wish desperately that I can cure all those affected by it. I wish I could eliminate it's existence all together. But that's not in my power. The only thing that is mine to control is my love. So, I love those battling cancer. I love those who have family fighting for their lives. I love those who have been touched by this awful creature. I. Love. You.

My heart is heavy with the news of a dear teacher who just lost her battle. My heart holds a special place for her and all others who are cheering us on from the other side. And my heart holds a dear place for all those who just lost their family to this terrible disease. They are never forgotten. Their memories will live on in us. And should we ever be burdened with this six letter word again, we will not forget their gracious fight. 



For grandma, grandpa, Thomas, Ms. Rich, and all others I love who have encountered this miserable disease ❤❤❤

Goodbyes Are Bitterweet

After one year, I've experienced more than I though possible. Pain, suffering, and death. But more importantly friendship, learning, and love. 

Caring for people who are simply hours away from meeting their Maker has changed me. I love pictures and things to remember moments in life by. I try to cherish every moment I have on Earth, because you never know which breath is your last. I try to tell those I love that I love them as often as I can in hopes that they never forget. And I try to love everyone, because we are all suffering in some way. Caring for others is a unique opportunity, one that I am so so grateful to have experienced.

I've learned. And learned and learned and learned. I've learned that some people cope with pain by being rude, and others cope with tears. But I've also learned that no matter how much pain they are in, a hug and a smile can make it at least a little bit better. I've learned how to be patient, because the older you get the slower you get. And holy cow, sometimes those darling old people just can't help but take their dear, sweet time in the bathroom. I've learned how to have a great poker face when cleaning someone up. I've learned medical stuff that no one else wants to know.

But I think the greatest thing that I've learned, and experienced, and felt was love. I have grown to love my residents. I love their wisdom, their laughs, their stories, and smiles. I love their teasing, and personalities. I love the way we connect, and I love the way they love me back. They are more than just patients; they are FAMILY. 

Saying goodbye was one of the hardest things I've done there. A goodbye after recovery was a happy kind of sad, and a goodbye right before death was a heart wrenching kind of sad, but some of the hardest goodbyes were yesterday. Saying goodbye to those residents who would come find me and tell me I was on the wrong section when I wasn't their aid. Or to those who would tell me they loved me even though they have dementia. The goodbyes to those who really cared about me, and whom I love dearly, those ones hurt something fierce. 

I will never, ever forget these people. 

It's Worth It

I'm a CNA, a caregiver.can be hard and it isn't the most glamorous job but it's worth it. I wouldn't change getting to be a CNA for the world, and here's why:

It's worth it.
Getting peed on, pooped on, yelled at, punched.
The lifting, rolling, feeding, and wiping.
The mental, physical, and emotional labor.
It's worth it.
When your nonverbal resident smiles when you talk to them.
When they ask you to never leave.
When they laugh even though they're in pain.
It's worth it.
When they haven't eaten in days but eat because of you.
When with their dementia ridden mind they whisper I love you.
When they hug you and don't let go.
It's worth it.
When they kiss your hand every time you change them. 
When they ask for you and no one else.
When they tell the same stories over and over.
It's worth it.
The heartache you feel at their passing. 
The honor of caring for them in their last hours.
The overwhelming love you feel for them.
It's worth it.
The blood, sweat, bile, and fluids.
The demands, the sights, the smells, and the stress.
Their smiles, their laughs, their happiness.
It's worth it.

Tummy Troubles

My life has never been normal. To be fair, no one's really is. Some of us struggle with family issues, some of us have depression, my story is one that includes health issues. Lately, I've been getting a lot of questions about my stomach problems so I'm writing this so I don't have to repeat myself twelve more times. ;)

I have what's called Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome (don't worry for you squeamish people, I'm not going to go into super morbid detail or anything). CVS is episodes of intense vomiting and abdominal pain for several hours or days followed by a period of time where there are no symptoms. This is also considered a brain-gut disorder because your mind/emotions factor in a lot. I've probably had this disorder since I was around 6 months old. 

Sometimes these cycles are caused by a trigger, and sometimes they just happen. For me there is usually always a trigger. My triggers, usually, are being too emotional (mostly too excited or happy), motion sickness, stress, not eating for certain amounts of time, or sickness like the stomach flu. For me there are different types of episodes. I have times when I am just in super intense pain (what I call mini cycles) and then there are the times when I am actually throwing up (full cycles). 

During a mini cycle I typically feel the pain when my body is trying to calm down (like after excitement or stress). My body has a hard time coping with suddenly calming down which makes the nerves in my stomach freak out and start hurting. This might happen when I am trying to go to bed, or I might wake up in the middle of the night from the pain, or I might just wake up in the morning in pain. Sometimes when I calm down too quickly (like getting excited and going to a movie and calming down during the movie) I start to shake. If I am shaking, don't be alarmed haha it's just my normal and know that it probably won't go away for a while, like until I go to sleep or relax a lot more. 

My full cycles usually start in the middle of the night. I wake up with horrible pain and then a few minutes later, well, let's just say I spend the rest of the night in the bathroom. My throwing up, like I said earlier, happens in cycles which tend to follow the same pattern almost every time. Once I stop actually throwing up I'm left with severe stomach pain, like I can't stand up straight because it hurts too bad. That lasts for about another day or so, gradually hurting less. And then I go for a period of time without symptoms. You never know how long until you have another flair up. 

I haven't had a full cycle in several years, thanks to modern medicine. This medicine takes away the worst of it, making it possible for me to graduate, go to Europe, start college, and more with out getting a full cycle. 

Other than having CVS, my stomach still hates me. It has decided that it does not, at all, like me to eat. I can't eat foods with tomatoes, spices, wheat, or dairy without being in bad pain. But, eating too much sugar also makes it hurt, and so does eating too much, but if I don't eat then I get sick too. 

So please don't be offended if I don't accept the food you offer me, or if I pick out certain things from the meal. I'm simply trying to enjoy your food without being in too much pain. And if I have to cancel plans because I don't feel good, I really am sorry, but it's the best thing for my body. And if you ever have any questions, ask! I find this stuff fascinating so I'm always reading more up on it and would love to tell you what I know.

If you read this far, props to you. I appreciate you reading this. And if you really enjoyed yourself that much, here's a link to even more information.
http:///cvsaonline.org/what-is-cvs/

A Perfect Day

I believe that perfect days exist. I have experienced a few (yes, you can have more than one). Obviously my entire trip to Europe was one perfect day, but that's not the topic for today. 

April 30, 2016 The Perfect Day.

It all began waking up for a quick workout because, lets face it, I'm one of those strange people who wakes up early just to workout before a big day. And then of course comes the showering and getting ready. My hair decided to start off the day by being nice and doing what I wanted it to. Ladies, you all know how essential that is to a good start. And then...Tyler came. How can you not have a perfect day when Tyler is involved?

Tulips in April are pretty, but tulips at Thanksgiving Point during their Tulip Festival are stunning! Oh my stars alive they were so pretty! I think this is what Heaven will look like, because I was in Heaven there. And it was so much fun walking around attempting to take selfies. 

The perfection didn't end there, though. After lunch, we watched Tangled. Seriously, how can you not watch this before going and practically being in the movie? Then dinner and we were off for a magical adventure.

Holy Hannah, was the lantern fest ever amazing! Like seriously. A-MAZ-ING. Magical. Fairytale. Dream come true. Basically every descriptive word used for Disneyland could be used to describe this. And more. I don't think those words even do it justice. I think everyone should go at least once in their life. Preferably more because you can never have enough of it. 

The line was mega long, and it was pretty windy. Windy enough that they were considering not letting us do it. But by the time we lit our lanterns it was the perfect weather. We roasted marshmallows by the fire (we meaning Tyler and I because everyone else in our group was standing in a ridiculously long line for food) and talked. But let me tell you, that fire was a little dangerous. We had to race and put out embers that landed on the blanket and other stuff a couple times. But it was soo warm. 

The music, and laughter, and talking was great, but the greatest part came as it got dark. Every once in a while people would light a lantern and that was pretty cool. But getting to see all of them going up and continue going up when it was really dark was pure magic. Plain and simple, magic. In fact, that's probably the only way that comes even a little close to describing how amazing it was. It was like we were literally being a part of the Disney movie. There really are no words that accurately describe that. Being in awe doesn't even come close, and really I was in awe the whole time. And I'm eternally grateful that I got to spend that moment with Tyler; it was beyond perfect.

On a scale of finals to summer break, that day was definitely a Cinderella perfect day. Next year, go!  

We didn't take nearly enough pictures, but the ones we got were pretty darn good. This day will go in my journal, and my future children will never stop hearing about it. Ever. Just ask me about it and I will keep going for hours. You might have to duck tape my mouth shut to get me to stop talking about it.