A Meaningful Life?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Some of them good thoughts, a large portion of them anxious thoughts. I've thought about a lot of different things and a lot of different scenarios. But, here's the thing:

We've all only got one shot at this whole life on earth thing. So why are we wasting so much of it not doing things that make us feel alive? 

I don't mean we should be out there doing crazy things 24/7. But maybe we'd feel like we're living a little more if we had a little less screen time and a little more life time. 

In the past year, I've had way more anxiety attacks than I've experienced before. I keep thinking about a whole bunch of stuff, both things inside and outside my control. I've come to learn a lot about myself, and about humans. I've been thinking about the kind of person that I want to be, and how I'm not there yet. I worry that I may never get there. But the only road there is through hardships, learning, laughter, and love. 

In February of 2017, at work, I watched someone take their last breath on this mortal world. That got me thinking a lot about life. And since I started working in a pediatric ICU, I've had to use my hands to be the heartbeat for a child more times than my past self would have realized. 

I realize, now more than ever, that I want to live a meaningful life. I don't want to remember the hours I spent watching t.v. without being productive. I want to remember the hours I spent on art or craft projects, or the hours I spent hiking outside, or reflecting at the temple or being with my family. I'm super guilty of not being meaningful though, I do it all the time. It's not a bad thing, in any way, to use social media, or binge watch t.v., but I notice the more I do, the less meaningful my actions feel.

One thing I love about spending time with my fiance is that we're conscious about whatever we're doing. Even if we're just watching t.v., we are watching it because we want to and because we get to do it together, although it does usually just happen near the end of the day after we've done other things.

I've noticed that doing my actions meaningfully, makes me feel more "alive." I feel like I've actually lived and not just gone through the motions. It's the times when I've watched doctors tell parents that there is nothing else they can do to bring their child back, and the times when I've watched doctors brainstorm everything they can do to save someone that remind me that I want to live. 

I went on a hike with my dad yesterday, and while he was taking pictures of the beauty, I decided I needed to remember I was alive. So, I faced my fear of heights and climbed to the top of a pretty tall rock (it was just a LITTLE sketchy to get up there). It was a good moment and the feeling of accomplishment while I was up there was worth the fear. And when I came home I watched Netflix, and still felt alive.

I want to live a meaningful life, don't you?

*Picture of waterfall at Ferguson Canyon last night.