Because I Know

You know why I'm so passionate about vaccinations and wearing seat belts? You know why I'm such an advocate for being an organ donor? Because I know what it feels like to try and save a life when their death could have been prevented.

Because I know what it feels like to perform CPR. I know what it feels like when someone's chest caves inward from your pressure. Because performing CPR is now second nature to me-something I wish I would never be so good at. Because I have seen tiny. little. humans. DIE. Because I have watched hearts break when parents hear that there is nothing more we can do for their child; because I have heard the sound of a grieving parent. Because I have seen 10 perfect little fingers and toes lay completely still. Because I have seen beautiful little porcelain white faces that will never smile, move, eat, or breathe again. 

Because I have watched dozens of people try so very hard to resuscitate someone and fail. Because the image of the girl spewing blood everywhere as we did CPR after a car crash will be forever embedded in my brain. Because I can't drive 30 miles per hour without knowing that even that speed kills. Because I know what it looks like when a cancer patient gets the flu. Because I know what it feels like to do chest compressions on a infant less than a month old. Because I have zipped up a body bag for a perfect child that should still be playing. Because I have cried in my car for the lives lost. Because tiny little coffins that hold tiny little humans exist. Because children have irreversible damage done to their bodies when they shouldn't. 

Because I know what it feels like to try and save a life when their death could have been prevented.

GET YOUR DAMN VACCINATIONS. 

WEAR YOUR DAMN SEAT BELT. 

SAVE LIVES.

Life From a PICU Point of View

I worked in a PICU. One of the hardest, most life changing things I've ever done. I see the world differently now, I see life differently now. I see how precious, how short, how miraculous, life is. I went in looking at life as a naive person, I came out looking at life from a PICU point of view.

You start to see life differently when you've seen someone die. You learn that life throws crazy curve balls that no one can hit. You see, in the PICU, everything isn't sunshine and rainbows. It's hail, and earthquakes, and fires all at once. It's pain, and sorrow, and grief that swallows you whole. It's seeing lives being ripped apart, and families broken, and tears of horrible pain. But it's also flowers, and teddy bears, and cupcakes. Because somewhere in the pain of life, of the PICU, you learn to appreciate the small things-because sometimes those are the only things that are left.

I now enjoy feeling the rain dance on my face because I've held someones head still while a surgeon drilled a hole in their skull. I love the sound of laughter because I've heard the harrowing sounds of a parent crying when their child dies. I don't mind the times my husband leaves his socks on the floor because I know there is a mother right now wishing she could pick her son's socks off the floor. 

I love seeing other people happy because I've held down too many tiny humans for procedures while they were crying in pain. The sound of a baby crying is a sweet sound because I've walked the silent halls of a hospital where babies couldn't cry due to tubes in their mouths. I cherish seeing others falling in love because I have seen the power of a mothers love. Hugs from children remind me that life is short because I've seen what happens when a child is hit by a car. Baby blankets always need to be cute because sometimes it's the happiest thing in the room.

I am passionate about vaccinations because I have seen people DIE from the FLU. I believe that running a marathon is amazing because I've had to be the beating heart for a child too many times when their own tiny heart couldn't. I think of all the baby heart warriors who have heart defects when I hear my husbands heart beating when we hug. I am a registered organ donor because I have seen children live because someone was selfless enough to share what they no longer needed. I am an advocate for type one diabetes because I have seen how it can kill or nearly kill a child.

I see a hard working, efficient team when a child is sick. I see coworkers finding anything to be happy about when their patient dies. I see the laughter that we find in everything because sometimes it's the only way to survive in the PICU. I see the friendships made over cleaning up poop and vomit and the after-work drinks shared after a crazy shift. I've seen the infinite love of good people who deserve nothing but happiness. I've seen the selflessness of nurses, techs, respiratory therapists, doctors, and countless others who give their all to keep others alive. I see people who spend nights, weekends, and holidays away from their families to help you spend the next one with your daughter.

The world would be a better place if everyone had a PICU point of view. People would love harder, fight less, smile more, and really appreciate the small things in life. There would be laughter in the simple things, there would be more vaccinations happening, and there would be less hatred. I hope you'll hug a little tighter and laugh a little more; you'll be amazed at how bright the world looks when you look at it with a PICU point of view.

* PICU stands for pediatric intensive care unit. It is a unit in a hospital for critically ill children from 0 days old to 18 years old.