Meant for More

I've always felt that my heart could hold more. More happiness, joy, sadness, and love. I'm always amazed at life's wondrous, joyful moments, but as long as I can remember, I've had a feeling that my heart was meant to hold more sadness and more love. And that has never been more true than working in health care. 

Today was a rough day at work. It was my first real Code Blue. We're talking get the crash cart, chest compressions, push Epi, and lots of organized chaos Code Blue. Putting my hands on this child's chest, while wrong in every possible way, gave me a sense of fulfillment in life. Being apart of the sadness, and even greater the love, that comes from working with very, very sick children, that's where I need to be. Comforting families, helping with procedures, doing anything and everything to get these people healthy again. There are so many moments in these jobs that are wonderful. Seeing people that came in so sick and seeing them walking, talking, and breathing is amazing and gives you a sense of joy that isn't felt elsewhere. Like knowing that you can make a difference in people's lives for the better, and that even though you have to poke their hand a dozen times a day, they'll smile when you tell them they are more brave than their favorite superhero.

And then there are days like today. Where no matter how hard everyone tries, that sick little body just can't handle any more. Where you put your hand on that child's chest and push with all your emotional and physical strength to hear the doctors tell you to stop compressions. Where the parents are sobbing, as a piece of their heart has just been torn from their body and beaten to a pulp and you have to clean up and let them grieve. In the midst of all that sorrow and pain, is peace. 

There wasn't a part of that room that wasn't filled with either people fighting to save a life or guardian angels. And I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, the clarity that was in all our minds and the steadiness of all our hands was no coincidence. There is divine intervention in every single inch of every single hospital; I felt it today more than ever. 

Even though I may have cried when I sat in my car at the end of the day, I know that my heart can handle all that sadness. I could cry every single time I code a child, but there will still be room in my heart for more. More love for children, more love for serving them, more happiness at seeing them get better, more sadness for when they don't. Because deep, deep down, my heart isn't content unless I am helping someone. 

This job may be rough, and today will most certainly not be the last time I cry from it, but I can assure you that I can handle it; it's what I was meant to do.

***They tell you to find an outlet for your stress, and unfortunately for all of you reading this, writing is the way I best unwind my brain.

Death Isn't Scary, If You Live

I had a somewhat unsettling remembrance today as I sat scrolling Facebook. I was wasting my time doing something that doesn't bring me much joy for no reason at all. There are dozens of things I could have been doing that I would enjoy more than turning my brain to mush. So, why wasn't I? 

At the beginning of this year at work, I was assigned to help take care of a woman who was in her final hours of life. While I was sitting with her, I had the chance to take another look at my life and the way I was living it. I decided I wanted to change. After a while, I forgot. But today, sitting there, reminded me of who I want to become.

Last semester, in my English class, we were tasked to write a personal memoir on something that had a significant meaning in our life. I chose to write about the day I watched someone die because I felt it changed my life and could change other's too. It's not very long and obviously there are a few parts that I embellished for the sake of my homework assignment (I do not now, nor have ever, had death anxiety but it is a very real condition) but the message is the same.

It was her last breath that gave me my first. It was her final view of this mortal world that opened my eyes. It was her loss of temporal memories that reminded me of mine. You see, there’s something about watching a person die that changes you.

                To me, death was like a black hole. It sucks everything into a black abyss leaving nothing but cold, darkness behind. I feared death like some people fear heights. My hands began to shake and my stomach churned. As often as I could, I avoided it. I had what you call death anxiety, or the fear of death.

                Now, considering my fear of death, I am familiar with it. I worked in a nursing home, a place where death makes permanent residents. In all my time there, however, I managed to only encounter it twice. Although I had dealt with death closely for years, I was not comfortable in the least.

I was working as a CNA that momentous day and the report I received was anything but ordinary. I had to do the seemingly impossible: end of life care. My only task that day was to make my patient’s transition from life more comfortable. At my first glimpse of my patient, all I could see was death. I was looking death straight in the eyes and I was scared. And then something happened. I realized my sweet patient was alone. No family, just me. My fear of death, I decided, could wait until my shift was over, because no one should die alone. She turned from a dying patient, to a patient that needed me more than ever to care for her.

As I was sitting there, running a brush through her matted, black hair, my mind began to wander randomly to a time when I was younger. I was playing with my older brother and laughing hysterically. That was the day he taught me how to climb up a tree.

My patient moaned and I helped her change positions. My thoughts were brought back to reality as I wondered what she did with her life. Where did she travel? How did she change the world? Who did she love? What were her happiest memories?

My thoughts strayed again as I began to braid her hair. I remembered the time I went fishing with my dad and caught my first fish. I remembered cutting my hair and donating it to kids with cancer. I re-watched myself as I performed in my first band concert, and played my first solo. I thought of the days I spent in other worlds as I finished dozens of novels. I thought about laughing with friends, traveling to other countries, and spending time with family. Hundreds of joyous memories flashed through my brain.

As the memories flashed by, they slowly changed from things I loved and enjoyed to dull, unfulfilling ones. I remembered more Netflix, Facebook, and Instagram in almost a lifeless pattern. Phone, T.V., laptop, iPod, phone, laptop, iPod. Years passed on in my brain and it was a blur of discontent. If I were here, laying on my death bed, is this what I would remember? Facebook statuses and Netflix binges? I realized my life had become overrun by things that would never create true happiness. Death anxiety causes you to be “less satisfied with life,” and it claimed me for a while.

My dying patient shifted one final time. I vowed to never take a moment for granted again. I would create a life I would enjoy remembering. I would make memories with those I loved, laugh at everything, go on adventures, change the world.

As I watched her chest rise and fall one last time, I realized death isn’t scary if you live.

Grateful For Bacon

Gratitude to the mind is what bacon is to the body. Everybody loves a good strip of bacon with their breakfast (and lunch and dinner). We all know it can add some delicious flavor to any meal and let's be honest, we always crave some good bacon. 

But really. Bacon is just the same as gratitude. We all feel better when we are grateful ( and when we add bacon to a meal) and we (at least me) think about how grateful we are all the time. But if we expressed gratitude every time we thought about it, I believe the world would be a much happier place, just like our taste buds (not our arteries though) would be a lot happier if we ate bacon more often.

This past week I've been doing a gratitude challenge. I've done certain things each day to remind me of who, and what I am grateful for. It's made me come to realize just how much in our lives there is to be thankful for. Like bacon. 

My favorite day of the challenge was when I had to pick two people (and only two) who have made an impact in my life and tell them why. That was hard! I picked the first two people that came to mind, but really I wanted to send a little note to all of you. As I thought of all the people in my mind who have helped me along this earthly journey, I was awestruck. I am so amazed with how much people are an influence in our lives! 

There is so so so much in our live to be grateful for, and if we are thanking all the people in our lives that have blessed us, then we absolutely have to thank the one who has given us more than anything. And can I just say, gratitude prayers are the best. God has given us SO MUCH, so how can we not thank Him for everything! My testimony has been strengthened this week, because GOD IS SO VERY GOOD. He is amazing! He blesses us with so dang freaking much! Believe it or not, He is better than bacon (after all, bacon doesn't posses the infinite amount of love Heavenly Father has for us)! 

That being said, THANK YOU! Each one of you reading this has touched my life somehow, I promise! When you feel gratitude, don't let it go unnoticed. Speak up, change someone's day, love more. 

We're Surrounded!

Miracles are real. Like really real. Like so crazy real. Guys, MIRACLES ARE HAPPENING AROUND US CONSTANTLY! And oh how amazing your world can get when you realize this. 

My institute teacher recently encouraged us to take a closer look at our lives and acknowledge as many as we can. I've tried to keep a "miracle journal" to do this. There are so many freaking miracles surrounding us all the time. It's amazing. I have been reminded of how good God is, and how much He truly cares about us. The fact that we are all here, living, breathing, existing in this exhausting world is proof. 

I believe that we are more surrounded by miracles than we realize and if we take the time to notice them we will come closer to our Heavenly Father. If you think about it, biologically we are all crazy luck to even be alive. From conception to birth and all the other dangers in this world we should probably be dead. But here we are! All thanks to miracles. 

I believe our lives are made up of hundreds of little miracles all the time. The random person that compliments your clothes on a day when your self esteem needs some help-miracle. Listening to the little voice in your head that tells you to drive this way instead of that, unknowingly saving you from a crash-miracle. The fact that you decided to buy cereal the day before and then wake up late and being able to eat breakfast because you had said cereal-miracle. The chance you had to sit by someone new in class and you end up being best friends-miracle. Things as simple as having your hair turn out the way you want so you feel more comfortable for your big presentation-MIRACLE. 

So many miracles! And even more throughout the day that we don't even recognize. I believe that it is a miracle that you and I are here on earth, and I believe that there are things we will do in our lives that will be miracles to others. Why? Because God is good. He will never let us down. In all the trials we have there are miracles above and beyond. I believe that God puts us in places to be miracles for others. So, don't put off a prompting; you could be a miracle in someone else's life.

We Can Do It

Isn't it funny how the more you try to live the gospel and try to be like Christ, the more Satan tries to worm his way into your life? The harder you try, the harder he tries. But it's in those moments, when life seems to be crushing you at all angles, that you must push back hardest. If Satan tries to one up you, go two up on him! Why? Because he can't stand the though of someone as strong as you out in the world. 

It might seem like you are all alone, struggling by yourself. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE! Christ is with you. ALWAYS. Isn't it amazing that we can have the Holy Ghost, a little piece of heavenly guidance, with us at all times? You never have to go a second of your day without knowing that you have Heaven on your side. 

And not only do you have Heaven cheering you on, you have me too! I don't care if I don't know you, or if we've butt heads a few times. I am here if you ever need it! Sometimes we need a little someone to give us a pep talk when we're a little bruised up.

We need to fight back, but we need to fight back in the most loving, patient, Christlike way possible. We need to fight back like the children of royalty we are: with outward love and virtue, but with inward passion and truth. Even princesses have to throw a few punches. 

I read an amazing scripture a little while ago, and it's been stuck in my mind since then. "...And they bore with patience the persecution which was heaped upon them" (Alma 1:25). There isn't a person in this world who doesn't have persecution HEAPED upon them. And there isn't a person in this world who isn't capable of not only persevering, but bearing it with PATIENCE.

So, when life is fighting you hard, keep your  a crown of patience on your head held high, and a sword of truth and light balanced in your hand. 

Intolerant, Not Allergic

"I'm not actually allergic, I'm intolerant."

I can't even begin to tell you the number of times I've corrected people with this statement. And I can tell you the three types of responses I always get. 

"Oh, I know how that is, my friend has Celiac's Disease."
"So, you can eat dairy you just don't like it?"
"Oh, well that sucks."

Let me tell you, dear reader, that none of these are appropriate response, but thanks for trying anyway. Being intolerant (or sensitive) to foods is not the same thing as being allergic to foods or having Celiac's Disease. Being intolerant means that your body can't digest part of the enzymes in the food, ie lactose in dairy or gluten in wheat. In allergies, there is an autoimmune response, meaning the body basically attacks its self when you eat these foods. This is the very simplified version, but you get my point.

So, when you say you know how that is because someone you know is allergic, you don't. And just assuming that they say that because they don't like the food is also wrong. And yes, it does suck. I would know because I have to deal with it, I'd rather not have you remind me that it sucks.

So, what do you say? Try something like:

"What is it exactly that you can't have? I'll try to remember that."
"What are you favorite things you can eat?"
"Tell me more about it; I want to avoid those foods when I'm around you."

Why are these so great to say? They don't make you feel isolated. It already feels bad enough not being able to eat things and they make you feel like your tastes are still important. They make you feel like a person, and not just a symptom. MORE MORE MORE

Living with food intolerances is hard. There aren't very many outward signs that you had something bad to eat. Unlike getting hives, you'll just often have bad pain, nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea. Sometimes people just assume that because you don't have to have an Epi Pen on you, that means it doesn't matter if you eat it or not. And sometimes it doesn't feel like you really have an issue with food, because you are the only one who really knows your pain. But, it is real, and you are 100% okay in feeling it.

It's discouraging to go to the store and see delicious things that you can technically have but will just make you sick. Is it worth it? And sometimes you feel as though the pain is worth it just so you don't feel so out of place. 

Going to restaurants is great, just not as great when you have food intolerances. Sometimes it's a guessing game if you can eat anything there or not. And when people want to get stuff and share it, it's hard not to feel bad about making them eat your different stuff. And it's hard when you just want to be like everyone else and eat the same things.

But, DO NOT EVER FEEL BAD ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO EAT THINGS! You shouldn't have to feel sorry about your body; it is not your fault that you have this to deal with. Your food intolerance is just a little part of you, and those people who truly love you won't be bothered by it. And those people who refuse to listen about it, you don't need in your life. 

And when you go to a party that has food already planned, bring a surprise dessert that you can eat. Not only will it make you feel included, but you'll be able to show everyone that not everything that you eat tastes bad!

I know it might seem silly, and you might not feel like you have a right to feel so down sometimes about your relationship with food, but it is okay. We all have those moments. And if you need to cry for a moment in the store because you are just so dang hungry and can't find anything that won't make you sick, CRY! You don't have to hold in your feelings. You aren't the only one; YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE!

New Year, New Post?

New year, new post? I mean, I guess I should post SOMETHING about this past year so you all don't think I've forgotten how to type. Or maybe you're all yelling at my inside your heads begging me to stop because my lack of writing has been so pleasant. Well, SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP because I've decided it's time you all heard from me again. 

Last year was definitely a year to remember. It was probably one of the ones I've enjoyed the most (if not THE one I enjoyed the most). I made friends for life, hung out with the most adorable 5 year olds every week, laughed, ate some chocolate, cried, worked with old people I grew to love, spent time with family, laughed some more, fell in love, learned an immense amount, spent time with Tyler (in case you didn't put it together, this is who I fell in love with), forgot a bunch, saw some beautiful sights, fell asleep during just about every movie I sat down to watch, ate chocolate, washed laundry, ran a freaking half marathon, bought a few books (okay, a whole lot of books), ate some more chocolate because I'm addicted, kissed, hiked, hugged, brushed my teeth a whole lot, laughed even more, finished a whole lot of homework, just lived, and more!

Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of trials last year. I've seen more people pass away that I've grown to love than I ever imagined I would in my life. I struggled with finding my place in my new job. I battled with my mind my times about my view of myself and I still haven't won that fight. I've gone though many changes, and even though several of them were good and ones I chose, I still struggle with change. I fought with finding foods to eat that didn't make me sick (still working on that one too). I've had to try very, very hard to love people who I didn't really want to love (by this I mean some people who I helped at work because they were just downright rude to me). I had to learn how to be more patient, because older people do everything slow and I am not the most patient person in the world. Obviously those aren't the only trials I've had, there are others I don't wish to share. 

But no matter the trial or triumph, God is ALWAYS with us. Even when we don't think so, even when we can or can't see it, even when we hate Him, even when we are in the middle of the hardest thing of our life, HE IS THERE. The greatest lesson I've learned this past year was this: God loves me and will NEVER leave me. And I am beyond grateful that He is patient enough to love me through everything. And I am beyond grateful for all of you who continue to love me though everything too. 

I'm sorry if you read through that entire thing; I'm sure you have things you'd rather do, but I sure am grateful to you for reading it! I sincerely hope each person in the world has at least a few moments that make this new year a good one. And I hope that you all know that God loves you, and He will be with you through everything you go through this year. Don't forget about me this year, even if we don't talk. If you are reading my blog then I guarantee that I don't not like you! Also, if you think I dislike you then give me chocolate and we will become the best of buddies!